A Ghost of a Girl

I feel my breath leave me slowly as I try to register the words I've just read. It wouldn't been any easier of hurt any less than if it was said in person. The wave, the thing that everyone calls it, doesn't hit me til I'm out of the doors. I don't feel the sidewalk beneath my feet or squint against the blinding sun. The world is spinning. I'm not going to faint but I feel the hole that's being carved out of my chest with each step. I hear a woman ask me if I'm ok. No No, I hear myself answer and continue to walk, leaving the woman's voice a faint whisper behind me. I realize I'm crying. Not the normal kind either, I'm sobbing. The wave hits me even harder as I walk back into his house. His house. It's no longer my house anymore. I don't belong here. I feel the detachment as I walk through the door to his room. Our room. I gather my things through tear-blinded eyes. I write one final note to him, hoping he'll change his mine. Begging him that he'll change his mind. I put every ounce of love I have for him in those final few words. The tear stained paper won't have any effect on him, I know that. I walk through the whole house one last time. Trying to engrave all of it to my brain, knowing I'll see it on my eyelids when I close my eyes. I lay down on the bed that I'll never lay down in again. I try to take in his scent as if that would help. It doesn't. It only makes the hole bigger and hurt that much worse as I leave. i wear my winter jacket out into the blistering heat. I feel so cold. I stare at the house one last time before I turn away forever. I tried covering the pain up with a smile and false strength that first night. As soon as I was alone the pain over took me. I cried for hours. I didn't eat for days. I didn't move for weeks. I was a hallowed out shell. The hole in my chest is never fading. The pain is so sharp, the physical pain makes me cry daily. The emotional wounds drive me crazy. I can only think of him. I think of every sweet memory we've ever had. It only brings more pain. I'd rather feel the pain than feel numb. This lets me know it was real and that I'm still alive. Time passed and the pain became too much to bear. The numbness was welcomed like a sweet drug. I feel as if I've my own supply of novacaine, an endless supply. I'm a ghost of the happy life-filled girl I once was. The burn of a cigarette feels better than the burn of my gaping hole. The burn lets me know I'm alive now that the dead numbness is here. I can't see the light. I'm in a perpetual haze. I'm content here. So long as I get to keep the memory of him with me. I need to rebuild myself again, rebuild the old me. His"me". I need her back. Desperately. I fake it. Fake it till I believe it myself. After time, I'm able to see flashes of light, a faint glow. I realize with a fear that I'm not becoming his me. I panic and back pedal. After all, I'm living for him. No No, I can't live for him. That's not a possibility anymore. I can't be his me. Why has it taken me this long to realize this? I'm making a new me. Starting from scratch. The girl that I want to be. Not a ghost of a girl, not the ghost of his girl, an angel of a woman. I'm angry now. the pain and numbness is replaced with a fire Satan himself could not have built. I get back at him. I get him to create infidelity in his new relationship. She can't have him completely. I had him first, I'll have him last. I'm blinded by fury that I don't sense or see the pain I'm causing myself but losing my self-respect. I have to stop. He can't hold that kind of power over me anymore. I can still feel the dull ache he's left me with me forever. I see a new man. A better man. I realize that it takes this light, this man's light to drag me from my life that was nothing but a darkened maze. The ghost if a girl is gone, not gone forever. She can return but his ghost of a girl is gone. Forever.